AT THE OLYMPICS

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD ( 02-17-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     Naturally, I'd love to be competing in the Olympics at my chosen sport, but my Olympic dreams were dashed by something that happened many years ago: everyone noticed that I had not an athletic bone in my body. If someone had been able to locate an athletic bone in my body, THAT'S the one I would have broken the day before the big race. So I'll have to enjoy it on television like everybody else.

     There is plenty of backdrop; the pandemic is still an issue and people are testing positive, which is a negative. Human rights in China come up as they always do. The subject of climate change can't be overlooked. I was watching the Women's Super-G, and there was only man-made snow where they were racing, which I guess you'd call the Super-G spot.

     But the Olympics are an opportunity to leave all that behind and focus only on what the mind and body can do when pushed to their very limits, while possibly on steroids. First, you need to learn the Olympic jargon. For instance, in the Slopestyle ski event, you've got to "put it down." Which means what "stick the landing" used to mean. If you can't "put it down," well, you should have thought of that before you went up. While you're hurtling around in the air you're supposed to grab part of your snowboard or ski, which is not at all what I would be grabbing under the same set of circumstances. In Figure Skating, there is a series of spins and turns referred to as "twizzles," and you want your twizzles to sizzle, not fizzle.

     There is a skating jump called a "Flying Camel Spin." Yes, it's an interesting move, but what I think we should be focusing on is: exactly who was the person who saw a skater land that jump and said, "You know what that looks like? A flying, spinning camel?" That was probably the day drug testing became a regular thing. Another girl performed two perfect "triple toe loops," implying that she has six toes. I don't know if the Olympic Committee needs to take a look at this, but if it is legal then I'm entering my cat in the next Olympics. Some skaters looked too tall for the short program, another thing the Committee should evaluate. 

     I have some questions of my own, such as, do ice skaters spin in the opposite direction south of the Equator? Also, at the end of the skating exhibition people skate up to you with a bouquet of roses. Why does nobody ski up to you with roses at the end of the skiing competition?

     Who am I to judge? I'm an expert at judging now, that's who. Everyone is after a week of watching the Olympics. But I'm not going to nickel-and-dime you with these tenth of a point deductions for dumb things like where you put your hands, or how how high you jumped, or if you didn't spin around as many times as you said you would. I'll be deducting for more important things, like whether you use too much garlic, or if you had plastic surgery that gave you duck lips, or for each time you say "It is what it is." I was watching a Russian girl snowboard, and the announcer said that they would be judging her on her execution, which is something I thought we would never see again after the fall of the tsarist regimes.

     Some things about the Olympics are different than they ever were. For instance, there is a lot more scrutiny and social media commentary regarding post-event interviews. A television announcer spoke with an American skier who was expected to medal, and instead fell at the top of the slope. It was like interviewing an open wound. There was also a tightly controlled interview with tennis star Peng Shuai, who has been missing from public view after making allegations against a Party bigwig. I read the entire transcript of the interview, and to me it raised more questions than it answered. My main question is: What the hell did she say? The whole thing was in Chinese.

     But there were lots of exciting moments, plenty of competitive events. For instance, there is the Half-pipe event, which reminds me of something a plumber once said to me after I tried to install my own dishwasher: "Where's the other half of that pipe?" I could also certainly devote an entire column to the sport of Olympic Curling, but in China, curly hair does not seem like a high priority. Also, if you were unfamiliar with Ravel's "Bolero," you'll know it by heart at the end of the Figure Skating competition. I guess it is what it is, and I owe you a tenth of a point deduction for saying that but it was worth it.

RICK MELEN'S SUPER SUNDAY PRIMER

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD ( 02-10-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

I don't know if I'm ready for a full-blown Super Bowl party just yet, but we're having a little get-together of some friends that are vaccinated against coronavirus, smallpox, and in fact any-sized pox. It's time to start living again, time to go back to being frightened of the things we used to be frightened of before the pandemic: spiders, trigonometry and redheads. I've even invented a new cocktail for the occasion, it's called a "vaccini," and you make it with a dash of dry vermouth, a couple ounces of gin and a splash of ivermectin. For those of you who might be new to the Big Game, I've put together a compendium of some of the phrases and jargon you're likely to hear during the broadcast, and exactly what they mean:

"We're going to take what the defense gives us...." This is something coaches tell their players before the game, when there is still some hope that the defense is going to give them anything. After the game has been lost 45-0, at the press conference the Head Coach can then explain that the defense gave them nothing, and would not accept a personal check even with two forms of identification.

"He seems to be a bit shaken up out there...." If a player is lying face down on the field in a pool of blood with all his limbs facing to different compass points, the announcers may  describe him as "shaken up." To me, "shaken up" is how you might describe a can of Yoo-hoo or Yahtzee dice, and I never once heard a medical professional use the phrase in a diagnostic context.

"We're not going to speculate on the extent of his injury...." This sentence is followed by a period of intense speculation on the extent of a player's injuries, along with gruesome video in slow motion that on any other broadcast would garner an "R" rating.

"We're told that he's undergoing concussion protocols right now...." Concussion protocols are where they ask you a series of questions, such as your name, the date, who is the current rightful President of the United States, and they determine whether you are suffering the after-effects of a serious blow to the head, or have always been this dumb.

"He's calling an 'audible' right now...." If the quarterback sees a configuration that might result in a serious blow to the head, and does not see the immediate value of "taking what the defense gives him," he may shout out a different play just before the snap. Since there are 70,000 fans screaming various other things at the players, some of which are not technically true, the resulting modification is heard by only the two or three players nearest to the quarterback, and totally inaudible to the rest.

"You don't want to miss Halftime for ANY reason today...." Normally, this is a phrase that underestimates the amount of chocolate in my refrigerator. Certainly the Halftime Show at the Super Bowl is ramped up, with an artist of international renown pretending to sing a medley of his or her greatest hits, consisting of two or three words each. There is a lot of dancing, some fireworks, and an aerobat parachuting into the stadium, sometimes on purpose.

"He left it all on the field...." This is a line that coaches tell a player to inspire him to play his hardest, expend every ounce of his energy and have no regrets at the end of the game, other than that he did not sign a guaranteed contract. This is why coaches get paid so much, because I would have wasted that line on a player who couldn't find his keys and wallet.

Well, I hope this helps you enjoy the game. I'm going to have to get used to being around people in person again, because right now I'm used saying mostly inappropriate things while wearing my bathrobe. If you want to use a facemask during Super Bowl, go right ahead. Just be aware that if you use one on the football field it will result in a 15-yard penalty.

THE EXERCISE BIKE

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (02-03-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     I've been working from home for almost two years now, and my body misses the daily exercise of getting up way too late and running up and down the stairs at the train station, forgetting that I forgot to buy my ticket and running up and down the stairs again and then dodging Manhattan traffic instead of waiting for a green light. In midtown, instead of that flashing "DON'T WALK" sign that reminds you to run instead, there is a flashing numerical countdown, so if I see that I have 8 seconds left I take off in a dead sprint from half a block away in order to make it to the other side just before someone runs me over.

     To replace all that physical activity we bought one of those "smart" exercise bikes that you can use with online classes in real time. There wasn't a moment to lose, I wanted to get right into the saddle. I was too impatient to create a user profile and sign up for a session, I just wanted to put it into manual override and jump on for a quick ride. So I punched a few buttons, which got me pretty quickly into a loop of prompts that I couldn't find my way out of. I dug deeper into a couple some more menus, and before I knew it (and for quite some time after I knew it), I had changed the bike's primary language to Russian (I kid you not). I don't know if you're familiar with the Russian language, but it looks more like it's made up of a bunch of corporate logos and doodles rather than actual letters. I started panic-typing some stuff into several boxes, without knowing what I was saying, trying to get back to a language that might understand me better. I even went onto the internet to find out what the words "United States" and "English" might look like in Russian. But it only got worse, and instead I created an account that the Kremlin may be watching very closely.

     The next day I found a screen with an icon of a little picture of Earth, so I knew I was in the right place, and I managed to return to English. I booted up a little guided tour and started my ride. My wife assured me that the instructors cannot see or hear you, nor yell at you for doing something stupid. I can just imagine how it would go if they could:

     "Melén," my instructor says, "why don't you quit pedaling your Communist propaganda and get down to business here." I say, "That's fine with me, I think I might have accidentally initiated a military incident with Ukraine."  "War is no laughing matter, Melén." I counter, "Well then I won't bother with the joke I was going to make about a false-flag operation using Russian dressing. It needs work anyway." He says, "Melén, are you wearing bedroom slippers?" "Nyet, I mean NO, these are 'semi-wakeful athletic apparel,'" I lie. "Get yourself some bicycle shoes if you're going to be serious about your workout." I just say okay, but I picture bicycle shoes as having two little wheels on them, and maybe a bell.

     My mind was drifting a little remembering an actual ride I had in Amsterdam on vacation when I was trying to get to the concert hall. I knew it was on something-or-other-Strad, and it was by a canal, and it was somewhere north of where I was, so I was pretty confident I could find it. What I didn't realize was "Strad" means "street," so EVERYTHING is something-or-other-Strad, and also EVERYTHING is by a canal, and "North" covered a lot of territory, including much of Greenland. I would have thrown the bicycle into the canal at that point, but by then I couldn't even find a canal....

     "MELEN, do you have your toe clips on?" My instructor yells. No- I told him how I almost killed myself this morning when the phone rang. He says, "You might be one of those rare specimens who should be wearing a helmet even though your bicycle doesn't actually leave your living room." Our ride was taking us through Tombstone, Arizona, and I learned a lot about the place a I pedaled along. For instance, did you know that the gunfight between the Earps and the Clantons actually took place in a vacant lot? History thought it would sound better if they moved it to the OK Corral, a block or two away. I'm surprised history didn't find a corral that was better than just "OK," as long as they were changing the locale anyway.

     In my blurred reality, by mistake I ride right onto the street where they're re-enacting the famous gun battle between Wyatt and Virgil Earp, Doc Holliday, and the Clanton boys and McLaury brothers, and everybody stops shooting and there's an eerie silence with only the echoing of the gunfire and they're looking at me and not in a very nice way. I apologize and tell them to go ahead and fire at will, and for some reason I have a tough time convincing them that I'm not Will.

I'M DATING PETE DAVIDSON

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-27-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     I'm not really dating Pete Davidson, but the odds are pretty good that YOU will, if you haven't already. If I WERE dating Pete Davidson, I would have to ask WHY I was doing that, since I'm a happily married heterosexual male. But what if I put myself in a woman's shoes for a little while? A woman who was single, probably high-profile and wore a size 11-and-a-half shoe?

     In a relatively short space of time, Pete Davidson has dated some of the most gorgeous and successful female celebrities of our time: Ariana Grande, Larry David's daughter Cazzie David, Andie MacDowell's daughter Margaret Qualley, Cindy Crawford's daughter Kaia Gerber, Robert Kardashian's daughter Kim Kardashian, and Lily Mo Sheen's mother, Kate Beckinsale. Thank god he didn't have children with all these women or it would have broken Ancestry.com. And in every photo of the happy couple, she is looking well-dressed, well-kept and totally hot, and he's looking like he just said the word, "Yup!"

     What do these women see in him? Is it the ink? Pete Davidson has about 100 tattoos, which might well be enough for me to call off our date. To me, a tattoo is just a splotchy blot on your body which, if it grew there naturally, you'd probably pay $4,000 dollars to have removed. Most people I know who have tattoos tell me theirs is something so very special that they like to be reminded of it often, something like the preamble to the constitution or their kids' names. Davidson's tattoos are of Hillary Clinton, a shark, a Pacman, a skull with a brain on top, a ghost with its tongue sticking out and other things that are so special to him that if he wants to be reminded of them he'll need to remove his shirt, stand in front of a mirror and read them backwards over his shoulder.

     Women often say that they love a guy with a sense of humor, and Pete Davidson IS a comedian. So why do Pete's relationships Peter out after an average shelf life of less than four months? Surely he must have more than four month's worth of material. I like a girl with a good sense of humor too, and if she laughs at my jokes I can safely assume she doesn't have one.

     Since his relationships don't seem to last, it may just be that he doesn't know how to talk to women. I've watched a lot of noir movies, and I've learned a few things. Trust me, pick a dramatic moment such as just after you order pizza, grab her by both elbows for emphasis and say this to her: "Listen, sweetheart, you got yourself a dimestore Romeo, and I got myself the Queen of Hearts. You flipped a coin and it came up heads AND tails. The whole package, baby, and it came C.O.D. Any other dame would have run for the door like a fire drill in a Dutch shoe factory. But you stuck it out. You stuck with me like scales on a mackerel and I love you for it. It's been three weeks and I love you more now than I did a week and a half ago." Use a Humphrey Bogart accent for heightened effect, and don't say anything else until the pizza comes. You can thank me later. If Pete Davidson didn't know enough to say something like that to Kate Beckinsale I can see why she left him.

     One of his old girlfriends said something to the effect that no one can believe women are attracted to Pete Davidson, but maybe he just has a really great personality (she didn't say he actually did). First of all, I'm tired of women judging men on shallow details like our personalities. Second, women are often judged on their appearance, whereas men can be "rugged," "chiseled" or "sturdy" and still be considered attractive. I myself have been described as, "looking like he could use a going over with a sheet of medium-grit sandpaper," which in some cultures ain't too bad.

     But I was no Pete Davidson in my single days, and my dating life in high school had a certain downward spiral to it. I'm a little bit shy, and things might progress pretty well for a couple weeks until I felt comfortable enough to open up and let my natural charm out. That's usually what spelled doom for the relationship since there was no way to get it back in. But models and actresses? Those kind of women wouldn't give me the time of day. But I showed them, didn't I? Bought myself a watch.

IN WITH A WHIMPER

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-20-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     Well, 2021 went out with a bang when I kicked it through the back door with my foot. I was not sorry to see it go. But 2022 tiptoed in quietly at 12:00 midnight as if its curfew was at 10:00 and it was trying not to wake up its parents. Due to the resurgence of the pandemic, the blur of activity usually surrounding New Year's Eve was idling in the garage in "park." Gatherings of one person or less were recommended by most authorities. If you got together with three people, at least two of them were required to be boring.

     I still can't believe I spent New Year's Eve at home for the first time in at least 45 years. I'm not sure who to blame for this, but I have a few ideas. I would normally attend a party, and if no one invites me to a party, I might go to one that no one specifically told me to avoid.  I remember when I was about 13 or so and stayed all the way up to watch the festivities on television with my family, and the ball dropped in Times Square and they sang "Auld Lang Syne" and I remembered thinking, this is a stupid song. Why should old acquaintances be forgotten? Then my folks said I could have some champagne and I forgot most of my old acquaintances anyway. At that age acquaintances weren't old enough for me to miss them much.

     Many people didn't want to fly anywhere to celebrate the occasion, and I don't blame them. Even birds aren't flying right now unless they absolutely have to. Air travel was already an abject annoyance to me even before the pandemic, and it seems like only people that you'd never agree to spend four hours with are in airplanes right now. There are braindead heroes starting fights in the cabin because they don't want to wear a mask to prevent them from coughing their covid all over my tiny little pillow. Come think of it, I don't think we should have to wear seat belts either, and I can't see anything out the window with that big ugly wing sitting there in my way. Okay? 

     Also, I'm a bit of a backseat driver, and I think that the pilot's intercom should be two-way, so I can let him know how I think he's driving. He already introduced himself so I go ahead and introduce myself too. "Pilot Bill, may I call you William? It's super hot where I am- I think we're flying too close to the sun. I happen to know another way to Europe if you're interested." Someone's been in the bathroom for 45 minutes and I bet he has the Sunday crossword puzzle. I'd like to get up and walk around but where would I go? "Hey Pilot William, you got a second? It's Passenger Rickster again. I know you're busy, but the stewardess says we're out of peanuts, and I'm guessing you have a secret stash in there. I have three bags of pretzels, and I'll trade the three pretzels for one peanut. This is a limited-time offer. Tell the co-pilot also."

     We watched a Columbo marathon all day on television until it was the cocktail hour, which we moved up into the dinner slot (we had moved dinner into lunch). I knew right away who committed the murder, because I'm a bit of a crime-solving genius. I told my wife, "Jack Cassidy did it. I'll bet you 20 bucks." "He's not even in this one. It's Patrick McGoohan, they already showed him killing the guy," she said. "I still think it's Jack Cassidy, and if Robert Culp turns up, I bet you 20 bucks all three of them kill each other." I was out about 80 bucks before Columbo even scratched his head once. 

     We got all dressed up for the occasion, just the two of us, and even our dog had on a beautiful fur coat. I had on a turtleneck and a blazer. I even put one of my contact lenses in so I could optimistically see half the glass as full for the new year. Everyone would have said I looked great, and I would have lied and told them they looked great too. I definitely looked better than Columbo but not as good as Jack Cassidy.

     If we had gone out to one of those fancy prix fixe dinners it would have cost me about 300 bucks, and I would have made fun of things all night like foie gras, that I would never eat in a million years, and my wife would have told me what I was missing out on and that I might as well order pizza at home. So this year we ordered pizza at home. The pizza was good, but I had nothing to make fun of, and I had to try and carry on a normal conversation. You know what? I just realized, maybe THAT should be my New Year's resolution. To order more pizza at home. 

2021: THE YEAR IN REVIEW- Part II

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD ( 01-06-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

     This week I'm back to expose the rest of the lesser known stories of the past year. I'm going to strip them down to their bare essentials and bring you just the naked facts. And now I'm exhausted and need a cigarette, even though I don't smoke.

EXTREME WEATHER CAUSES 'HAIRY PANIC'
     A severe windstorm last winter caused an Australian suburb to become buried in huge drifts of tumbleweeds, making the town of Hillside in the state of Victoria a grassy mess. Known locally as the "hairy panic," the weeds accumulated high enough to prevent some homeowners from being able to open their front doors. I picture the scene to look something like Sean Connery's back. I don't know how they plan to make the unkempt area kempt again, but I imagine that they're hoping a few tons of wax blows in next.

HUMAN-COMPOSTING FUNERAL HOME OPENS
     Last January in Kent, Washington, Recompense opened as the first-of-its-kind human-composting funeral home in the U.S. In at least 30 days the resulting soil is tested for pathogens and available for use. It's just another after-life option for those whom you love very mulch. I never thought my final resting place might be a flower bed, but if I'm pushing up daisies anyway, they might as well look damned good. We have a compost pile in the woods, where I put things like corncobs, coffee grounds, VCRs and jokes about stuff I'm not allowed to make fun of anymore. I don't go out there much when I'm alive, and I expect to leave it at that. There are weeds growing on top of the pile, and they really seem to appreciate my efforts. If any of this compost causes the proliferation of tumbleweeds, the residents of Hillside, Australia are not going to be pleased.

AIRBAG JEANS IN PROTOTYPE FOR MOTORCYCLISTS
     As if I weren't already full of hot air, a company called Mo'cycle is working on a pair of jeans that contain airbags which run down the inseam and detonate upon impact during an accident. I'm a motorcycle rider myself, and if I have an accident in my pants that results in an explosion of air, then, well you go ahead and finish the joke, this one's on me.

MOSQUITOES RELEASED IN FLORIDA KEYS
     The first group of genetically engineered non-biting mosquitoes were released in the Florida Keys in April, to help control the Zika and other viruses. These male mosquitoes mate with the disease-carrying females and pass on a lethal gene that causes the death of the offspring and controls the population. Whoever got it in their head that non-biting males would ever mate with biting females should immediately clear his internet browser history. What the article fails to mention is exactly where the mosquitoes were being released from. What were they in for? Are they out on good behavior? Remember that for a mosquito a slap on the wrist amounts to a death sentence.

INDIAN MAN KILLED BY OWN ROOSTER DURING COCKFIGHT
     In February a New Delhi man who had fitted his rooster with a small knife on his way to an illegal competition died of blood loss when the bird tried to escape and inflicted lethal wounds to his groin area. While this seems like a case of instant justice, it's a vivid example of the old adage: Never bring a cock to a knife fight.

     And that's the year in review. I'd like to wish everyone a healthy and happy 2022. I'd also like to thank those of you who read my column this year. I cherish the opportunity to make some of you laugh without having to let you watch me ski. For those of you who don't read my column, now is the perfect time to talk behind your back, and I must say that hairstyle makes you look 10 years older. And don't bother saying the same thing about me, I already know my hairstyle makes you look 10 years older.

2021: THE YEAR IN REVIEW- Part I

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD ( 01-06-22)- Please remember small business in your town during this coronavirus pandemic

2021: THE YEAR IN REVIEW- Part I
     This was the year that, well, not a whole lot may have happened to you, other than whatever happened in your living room. It was almost worth setting up an obstacle course between there and the kitchen, just so you don't find yourself out of practice when the world starts revolving again. But there were some weird stories out there, and even though I'm telling you that you can't make this stuff up, in this case I actually didn't.

CANADIANS WARNED NOT TO LET MOOSE LICK THEIR CARS
     Last winter electronic signs appeared in Jasper, Alberta, because moose craving salt often find it by slurping the road salt off of car panels. I crave salt sometimes and tried this myself and I could see why it was so dangerous, until someone told me to wait until the cars had stopped. The moose population in the area had grown due to the decline in wolves, and more interactions between humans and moose had been reported. Despite their unusual nature, there were no complaints about the signs from anyone except disappointed cars.

326 MILLION YEAR-OLD MILLIPEDE FOSSIL DISCOVERED IN AUSTRALIA
     The fossilized remains of a giant millipede were discovered when a piece of sandstone fell off a cliff in Northumberland near where a PhD student happened to be walking by. Scientists are still counting its legs to verify its authenticity, but the invertebrate is thought to have lived in the Carboniferous Period before dinosaurs were invented, and even before they came out with the gigapede. Researchers noted that the creature was "as big as a car," which is just rubbing it in for those of us who can't get a car due to the microchip shortage. I don't want to change the subject here, but it's possible that someday in the future a PhD student who happens to be walking by will discover the fossilized remains of my Dodge Dart, which scientists believe to be as big as a prehistoric millipede.

GOVERNMENT RELEASES REPORT ON UFOS
     In June the Office of the Director of National Intelligence issued its Preliminary Assessment of "Unidentified Aerial Phenomena." It was the document that nuts and weirdos have been waiting on for decades, in which the U.S. government finally outlines what they know about the sightings of 144 flying objects, which is almost nothing. The report theorizes that there are probably many different explanations, such as "Airborne Clutter," under which heading it lists birds and plastic bags. What are they trying to hide? The one case that was definitively explained was identified as a large balloon with escaping air, which was somewhat deflating. It reminds me of when people saw Superman flying around and they said, "LOOK! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane!" And I said, "Haven't you people seen birds and planes before? Try to get a grip on yourselves and maybe cut down on the espresso." But to think that people from other planets are flying around disguised as plastic bags defies military intelligence. The reality is this: If you were an alien living somewhere with potable water, breathable atmosphere and decent wi-fi, why on Earth would you come here? No one would travel millions of light years through a vacuum, to a planet where smart scientists are made fun of by non-bright people on Facebook.

VENOMOUS SNAKE FOUND IN FAMILY'S CHRISTMAS TREE
     A couple in the Western Cape of South Africa noticed their cat staring at the Christmas tree, and found the source of his fascination to be a four foot boomslang, a highly poisonous snake perched in its branches. This is the kind of thing you usually see on TV, when you know too much and somebody tries to kill you by leaving a snake in your refrigerator. I saw this exact thing on Starsky and Hutch. Surprisingly the plan failed, although the two perished two years later as the result of poor ratings. I'm sure the snake was roundly criticized at the post-mortem: "You jack-asp, you had ONE job and that was to kill Starsky." To which the snake replied, "If you wanted me to bite somebody, why did you leave me in a refrigerator with half a meatball pizza in it?" Just for the record, if a poisonous snake bites you, you should not try to suck the poison out of the wound, at least not until you know the wound better, and you should definitely not try to suck the poison out of the snake.

     And that's a few of the stories you had to wait two thousand and twenty-one years to hear, and I hope they were worth it. I'll be back next week with part two of the year in review. Happy New Year!