A RESOLUTION SOLUTION

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-31-19)

     We're almost a month into the new year, and I wanted to ask you how your New Year's resolutions were holding up. If you answered, "Oh crap! Thanks for reminding me!" Then I'm guessing not so good. If you didn't even bother to make any resolutions because you knew you wouldn't keep them, then that's even worse. Those brave souls who fought the crowds and the weather on New Year's Eve in Times Square certainly took the whole thing seriously, even if you didn't. They were out there for hours with no umbrellas, because an umbrella could be used as a weapon. Don't you remember when the Penguin would show up at a gala for a gaggle of rich gals, and he'd point his umbrella into the middle of the room and this pink gas would come out, and before you knew it all the ladies were on the floor and these guys with black derby hats would stroll in and fleece the entire place and clean out the wall safe? Well maybe YOU don't remember that, but the NYPD certainly does.

      So, no umbrellas, and no porta-potties in Times Square either, because they could be used in a terrorist plot. All it takes is one commando to infiltrate the area and open the door to one of those things, and en entire city block could be immobilized. So you're left with hundreds of thousands of adults wearing adult diapers, and there's not even any alcohol to make it all seem festive. It's so crowded that everybody's packed in like sardines. Picture a bunch of sardines, perfectly sober, wearing adult diapers, and you'll begin to get an idea of the kind of commitment New Year's Eve takes. Plus, Times Square is a security nightmare, along with all the other nightmares I just described. Think of all the bad actors that could be on Broadway at any given time.

      So suck it up and honor your promises for the new year. If you really want to work things efficiently you should line up your resolutions in November, and that way you can ask for Christmas presents that will make it easier. There is plenty of new technology out there that can help. Make the whole holiday season work together to transform you into a better person. One way to ensure that you are living up to your goal of staying more physically active is to ask for a fitness tracker for Christmas. The fitness tracker can provide important physiological feedback to you, such as the fact that you are pathetic. You can program it to monitor your heart rate, calories burned, and the number of Dairy Queens within a two-mile radius.

      What about a refrigerator that actually talks to you? You can ask it to help your diet out by giving you misleading information about what's inside. "Close the door that light is right in my eye. What are you doing here, anyway? Do you realize what time it is? Well neither do I because you never set my clock. If you're here for the cookies your wife already ate them." "She did not, she's the one who told me to finish them up." "You know what? I happen to agree with the Fitbit- you're pathetic." I have a flashing message on my refrigerator that tells me when it's time to change the lettuce crisper filter. It's been flashing since 1985. Imagine if it could talk to me? What would it say? "CHANGE THE CRISPER FILTER YOU BLITHERING IDIOT." Or something to that effect.

      Some people want to clean up their house and start the new year off on the right foot. There are several robotic vacuums on the market that just wander around the room all day in a random pattern and clean your rug for you. In our house the main offender is the cat, who also wanders around the room in a random pattern and soils the rug for you. I remember when my wife had this black light that was supposed to highlight where the cat was messing up the rug. She could smell the evidence but she couldn't see it. It was like an episode of "Forensic Files." I said why don't you spray the area with Luminol, and see if the cat actually committed a crime? We got the cat from the cat pound, and I have no idea what his background was. He could have been an axe murderer for all I know- every time I try to pick him up it seems like he tries to kill me. He has those retractable claws like little stilettos, but I've never actually patted him down for weapons. Anyway, the genius of these robotic vacuums is not that they pick up all the dirt so great, it's that they chase the cat around and prevent him from staying in one place long enough to do anything that might constitute a misdemeanor.

      We're all living in this microcosm we call Earth, so our resolutions might actually intersect. If you have a resolution to take better care of your teeth, odds are that your dentist has the same resolution. I just bought an electric toothbrush that lets you know when you've brushed your teeth for one minute. The ADA recommends that you brush your teeth for two minutes, so I brush my teeth until this toothbrush goes off twice. I've found that it also comes in handy with my other resolutions too, so it's a win-win. For instance, I want to spend at least 10 minutes a day walking my dog, and my dog has that same resolution too. So I take my toothbrush along and brush my teeth until the timer goes off ten times. Another one of my New Year's resolutions is for other people to be nicer to me, so feel free to help me out with that one.

THE FUTURE IS HERE BUT ONLY TEMPORARILY

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-24-19)

      If you're as cynical as I am you probably already know that we're all headed for Hell in a hand basket. And if you attended the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas this year, you could get an idea of what Hell is going to look like when we get there, and whether the hand basket will get us there with an automatic pilot. And because I care about my readers, I am going to summarize the important things you need to know about the CES so you don't have to feel bad for missing it, and can concentrate on feeling bad for completely unrelated reasons.

      There were many robotic and automatic devices this year at the show, and many seminars to attend. if you bought a robot at last year's show, you could program it to sit in on an event entitled, "Trends Reshaping the Future of Mobility and Connectivity," and that way you could Reshape your own Mobility by walking across the street to the Diamond Cabaret and Reshape your Connectivity there without missing out on anything.

      Featured at this year's convention, the Royole Flexpai is the world's first folding smartphone. It has a flexible spine that allows it to be bent in half, enabling you to put it into your pocket, provided that you literally have deep pockets. The idea seems like a case of over-innovation to me, but when I thought it over a little more, I realized that the phone could save you the embarrassment of butt-dialing someone, unless your butt butt-unfolds the phone first.

      If you love folded laundry, but without the drudgery, the Foldimate automatic laundry folder is for you. The very first thing you should do is feed one of those folding phones in there and see if you can break the phone and the laundry folder at the same time while they are both still under warranty. I can think of a thousand things I'd like to fold, but just never had the means, motive or opportunity. For instance, I've always wondered what my cat would look like perfectly folded. What about all the businesses that are about to fold due to all the robots parading around at the CES? Just feed your failing business into the Foldimate along with a bankruptcy lawyer and presto!

     If you want to take the perfect shot of yourself, AirSelfie is a drone that will snap the photo from the air. The flying camera will shoot a picture of you along with a bunch of people calling Homeland Security.

      An innovation called the Y-Brush offers to clean all your teeth in 10 seconds. You stick some toothpaste into the tray, shaped like a set of dentures, and let the automatic bristles do all the work. Your teeth will be healthier than they've ever been, which makes it all the more tragic that you died of embarrassment when somebody caught you using this goofy-looking gadget. Luckily they will be able to identify you easily with your impeccable dental records.

      There were also a few tragedies at the show. A videotape that went viral showed a self-driving Tesla running over a promotional robot that was in a parking lot near Congress Hall, just the type of thing you would expect to happen at CES. My theory is that it was no accident, but the distraught robot threw itself in front of the moving car. The robot was probably hired as a valet to park cars, and now that cars are able to drive themselves, it was out of a job. What automatically comes around automatically goes around....

      People are looking into the future, and it doesn't look to pretty. All these robotics are taking over the factories, doing the assembly more efficiently, faster and with no coffee breaks. They can even program them to complain about the boss at regular intervals, and make fun of his hair, which looks like a rug that no robot would have assembled, because they would have done a lot better job. Then you go outside to catch a cigarette, and who's out there too? The robots, smoking away more efficiently and they don't get lung cancer. Anyway, my point is that nobody is thinking ahead to the ramifications of these household robots. I take out the garbage, I chop the firewood, I kill spiders, I do all kinds of useful things that I can't think of at the moment, but trust me, they are important. If somebody comes along and invents a robot that can do all of these things, exactly what is MY job going to be? Sure, I'm extremely handsome and droll and know all the gags from old episodes of "Get Smart," but a robot has all day to comb the internet for clever things to say. I'm going to come home from work, say something that I think is going to make my wife laugh, and that damned robot is going to be say something even funnier, sitting there smoking a cigarette with the laundry folded, all the dishes done and about 12 dead spiders there in a pile. And my wife is smoking a cigarette too, and she never used to smoke before. Do you get my drift or do I have to spell it out for you?

THE YEAR IN REVIEW- 2018, PART II

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-17-19)


     Already, really dumb things are happening in 2019, so I had better get through covering 2018. Here are the rest of the news items from last year that you swore you didn't have anything to do with, and no one believed you.

ELON MUSK LAUNCHES TESLA INTO SPACE
     When I first read this headline I assumed he launched his Tesla into a parking space, which seemed a bit of overkill, but Musk is kind of a nutty guy. In fact, he launched the Tesla into outer space on top of a SpaceX rocket that was headed there anyway. Once out of the Solar System, it was discovered that there are no charging stations for the car, so it will have to make an illegal U-turn at some point. The vehicle may eventually make it back to Earth, as soon as the GPS finishes recalculating a route with no tolls.

WOMAN DENIED EMOTIONAL SUPPORT PEACOCK ON FLIGHT
     In January a woman boarding a United flight at Newark Airport tried to bring a peacock along for emotional support, which ruffled some feathers at the airline. Isn't a peacock a bird? Why doesn't it just fly there by itself and meet you at the luggage carousel? And who's to say that the peacock didn't book the flight and bring the human along for emotional support? It isn't often you get to hear a conversation between a large pheasant and a psychologically fragile human, so let's listen in: "Okay- I really don't expect any more emotional support from a peacock than I would get from a cold pizza, but at least with you I won't have to fight for the armrest. I just want you to be there for me, man." "First of all, I'm female. And if I don't see a cup of coffee in front of me in 30 seconds I'm going to make a noise that will make your hair curl. And judging by the look on your face, you don't look great with curly hair." The human and the bird were both denied entry onto the plane.

SOUTHWEST AIRLINES APOLOGIZES TO GIRL NAMED ABCDE AFTER GATE AGENT MADE FUN OF HER
     I am a very sensitive person, and I would NEVER make fun of a person who was named Abcde. Instead, I will make fun of the letters themselves, parading around at the front of alphabet as if they were something special. If those letters ever try to board a flight that I am on without a child attached to them, the airline is going to hear from me and my emotional support peacock. You can't blame parents for wanting their kids to be the first in line. Abcde will always be ahead of that kid named YOLO, not to mention children named LMFAO and NSFW. And that nice mom whose daughter was insulted because she gave her a stupid name should send the airline a letter, but which letter?

16 COWS CHASE SUSPECTED CAR THIEF IN FLORIDA
     In August a group of cows helped police capture a criminal that was on the lamb. The bold bovines called for the female thief to stop, but she hadn't herd them because their voice was a little horse. The cows lassoed the perpetrator and tied three of her legs together, and for once the cow was the hero instead of the goat. And if ewe don't believe me there is police videotape to go with this.

WOMAN INJURED WHEN DYNAMITE SHE MISTOOK FOR CANDLE BLOWS UP IN HAND
     Honey, who put candles in the dynamite drawer? Raise your hand if you've done the EXACT same thing. If you can't raise your hand, well then I guess we have our answer, don't we? This isn't a funny story of course, but let's all learn from this: if something you are holding in your hand has a fuse attached to it,  don't light it with a match.

MOM ARRESTED AFTER KIDS FOUND HOME ALONE WATCHING 'HOME ALONE'
     That pretty much says it all, but I will say that as a training device for children's survival, this film is severely lacking.

BANKSY ARTWORK SELF-DESTRUCTS MOMENTS AFTER SELLING FOR $1.4 MILLION
     The shrewd shredder pre-programmed the painting's frame to tear the piece to ribbons once the gavel hit the block. That's why I always pay by check outfitted with a similar device.

NASA SPACECRAFT LANDS ON MARS AND TRANSMITS A PICTURE OF ITSELF
     Folks, if you think your tax dollars are being wasted, this story should put your mind at ease. NASA has spent about $830 million dollars on the InSight robotic lander, which touched down on Mars and promptly took a selfie, despite the fact that its hair did not look great. Of course, it has other functions too, like updating its contact list and trolling SpaceX's Tesla on Twitter. The Jet Propulsion Labratory has been trying to send it instructions for the rest of the mission, but it is now wearing headphones and has not responded. By the way, I happened to notice that nobody is taking a selfie on Uranus, but don't take it personally.

THE YEAR IN REVIEW- 2018

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-10-19)

      You've probably seen all those other "Year in Review" articles in the fake news mainstream media, but right now I'm going to recap the stories that are really important, the issues that are the most meaningful to your everyday lives. These are true stories, and the truest thing about them is that I made up a whole bunch of stuff to go with them. If you'd like to delve more deeply into these stories, you should probably seek some form of therapy.

FAN WEARING BUCKET ON HIS HEAD INJURED BY FALLING SCOREBOARD PIECE AT WRIGLEY FIELD
     If the fan had not had the bucket on his head he would have been seriously injured. As it was, he was humorously injured. He needed five staples in his head, one to close a small wound and the other four to attach him to an outgoing email. It's possible that seeing a game at Wrigley Field was on this guy's bucket list, but did anyone explain to him that you don't need to involve an actual bucket? If not, let me be the first.

FACEBOOK ACCUSED OF INTRODUCING EXTREMISTS TO EACH OTHER USING 'SUGGESTED FRIENDS' FEATURE
     ISIS apparently used Facebook to recruit new jihadists using the "Suggested Friends" utility, a complicated algorithm that helps users connect with other people who share the same interests. Extremists were able to share propaganda, radicalizing techniques and cat videos. With suggested friends like that, who needs suggested enemies?

BRINKS TRUCK DROPS MONEY ONTO HIGHWAY, POLICE URGE PEOPLE TO RETURN MONEY
     The bags of cash apparently fell out of the vehicle from a door that was not properly secured or failed mechanically, and the drivers were unaware of the problem until passengers in an adjacent car alerted them using the customary sign language for "Hey knucklehead: $600,000 dollars in cash just dropped out of your truck!" So many people came out of the woodwork to scoop up the money that they had to install new woodwork on I-70.

STUDY FINDS DIET RICH IN SEAFOOD BOOSTS LIBIDO
     The findings of this study showed that if both partners ate seafood on the same day, the odds of them having sex increased 39 percent, although not necessarily with each other. They first tried to implement the survey using fish as subjects, but after eating the seafood they had no partners left.

ROBOT PUTS IKEA CHAIR TOGETHER IN 20 MINUTES
     That's the good news. The bad news is that the robot is also from IKEA, so you have to wait until the robot puts itself together first. The robot spent 12 minutes planning motion pathways, three seconds locating the parts, 9 minutes putting the chair together and another 20 minutes trying to figure out what to do with the extra bolt that was in the bag. After spending all that time assembling the "Stefan" model dining room chair, the robot realized it could not sit in it and promptly left the room in tears.

SCIENTISTS ACCIDENTALLY PRODUCE AN ENZYME THAT DEVOURS PLASTIC
     Discovering the enzyme was the easy part, since they discovered it accidentally. The hard part was getting into their wives' purse next to their credit cards. Researchers are currently trying to ascertain whether the protein is safe to be around the Kardashians.

RUNNERS COMPETE IN NORTH POLE MARATHON
     It would almost be worth competing in this race just so you'd have an excuse to go up there and see once and for all whether there really is a Santa Claus or not. Probably the nicest thing you could say about a North Pole marathon is that at the end, at least you'd be 26.2 miles away from it.

EXTREME COLD CAUSES IGUANAS TO FALL FROM TREES IN FLORIDA
     Last January when the temperature in Florida dipped below 40 degrees, green iguanas were immobilized and dropped from their perches onto the ground. Due to the risk of salmonella poisoning, health officials warn people not to pick up the iguanas, especially at singles bars, no matter how sexy they are dressed or how many drinks you've had.

     I'll be back next week to wrap up the Year in Review!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (01-03-19)

      My birthday is Christmas day, and this year is a big one. I won't mention the number, but suffice it to say that I am easing comfortably into middle age, provided that I live to be 120 years old. It's already bad enough having your birthday on Christmas, when people are concentrating on giving gifts to everyone else. I don't recall being traumatized by this when I was growing up, and I suppose I was as valued and loved as any one kid in a family of six children could be, meaning that if my parents forgot me at the supermarket for a couple days they always came by to pick me up eventually.

     Yes, I share my birthday with a famous person. If you guessed Rickey Henderson you are correct. The Hall of Fame baseball player and I are the same age. He ran so often and was thrown out so seldom that when he retired they gave him a gold replica of second base. If I was a thief I would break into his house and take it, just so I could say I stole one more base than Rickey Henderson.

      And of course, Jesus was a Christmas baby, that goes without saying. Jesus doesn't have as many stolen bases as Rickey Henderson, because thou shalt not steal, DUH. Jesus and I are both Capricorns, so we have certain things in common. We were born under the sign of the goat, and I'll tell you right now, if you are a goat and you were not born between December 22nd and January 19th you're never going to hear the end of it. Jesus was born in a manger, so it's possible that he was born under an actual goat. I was born in Queens, so that's where the similarity ends. Capricorn is an Earth sign and is ruled by the planet Saturn. I say, if I'm going to be ruled by a planet, put a ring on it. And thank god it's not Uranus.

      Capricorns have certain personality traits, if you believe in that stuff. They say that Capricorns are stubborn. I disagree, and you'll never, ever, ever get me to change my mind. Capricorns are
known for their sarcasm. I don't notice that in myself, but listen to this quote by Jesus from the book of Matthew, 10:40: "He who receives you receives me, and he who receives me receives the one who sent me." You have to admit that one is pretty sweet. It is also said that Capricorns give good advice. There's a lot of great advice in the Bible, naturally. I give great advice myself, all the time, although it may take years before it gets recognized as great. I just made this proverb up, but it shows my facility for wisdom of this type, so you can take this advice, and if it works, let me know: "You shall go forth, and if anything happens to the first three, get the hell out of there."

      I actually don't mind getting older, and I'm trying to age naturally. I remember back when I was 6 months old and people used to tell me how adorable I was. Then age caught up with me and when I was two, people were asking me if I had had any work done. At around 50 my hair started turning what most people call gray, but I refer to as ultra-blonde highlights. Now I have a very distinguished "salt and pepper" look, although I think I need to put my hair on a low-sodium diet, and every time a waiter comes around with the pepper shaker I ask him to grind a little onto my head to even things out.

      There are actually some things that get better as you age. For instance, I've become more patient over the years. Well, not me personally, but I've heard that people become more patient over the years. I can't even seem to tolerate children in hospitals and mistreated animals anymore on lengthy television commercials. I feel very guilty about that, but perhaps when I'm older and more patient I'll feel otherwise. Another great thing about this time of life is that people look to youfor wisdom. Someone said to me just the other day that I am more of a wise guy now than I ever was. I've also learned to take life slower. For instance, it takes me about five minutes to get up out of a chair. The downside is that maybe I'm not as quick on the uptake as I used to be. I find myself thinking only of things that are no-brainers these days. But you have to take the good with the bad, and that's what I'm going to do.

      So Mom and Dad, if you're out there and you have a Christmas baby, take a little time away from your gift giving to give an extra birthday gift to that special child. And if you have a Thanksgiving baby, take a little time away from giving thanks to give some extra birthday thanks. And if you have a Valentine's Day baby, take a little time away from, well, never mind, just get around to the birthday celebration whenever you can, and we'll see you next November for the baby shower.
 

THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (12-27-18)

      I went to the office Christmas party last week in Studio 41 at the television network where I work. They had the room all dolled up with intricate lighting and a sound system. There was a nice crowd there, many sporting Christmas sweaters depicting ugly reindeer, ugly Santas and ugly snowmen, none having their finest moments. I made the rounds with my crew from the Operations 

department, and we infiltrated other tables, hijacked small talk and expropriated conversations. 

      The week before the party the company released a training module about sexual harassment that everyone had to complete. The timing was interesting, for what office party of yesteryear could live in infamy without deplorable conduct? It's not the kind of idea that I would ever entertain, although I can be quite entertaining to all sorts of other ideas. And thankfully I haven't noticed a whole lot of sexual harassment in my 38-year career at the network, despite its popularity at the moment. Aside from actual crimes, revisiting entire past histories of behavior that existed in a different social context may not be a productive way to spend our time, when we could be deciding whether dirty jokes are still acceptable. My guess is that it depends on how funny the joke is. Probably the saltiest thing anyone ever said in my presence at work came out of a small anchorwoman whose name you'd probably know. But I wonder if those training modules offer a how-to course for people who otherwise might not have had any working skills at all on the subject. "Jason continued to insinuate that a one-on-one meeting in his hot tub could advance Dawn's career, even though she had made it obvious that she wasn't interested by saying, 'Seriously????' Should she have a.) Reported him to a Human Resources representative; b.) Told her supervisor about it; or c.) Said 'Seriously????' louder, so the whole room could hear it?" I completed the training module but I didn't get all the questions right, so I guess we all have some work to do.

 

      As titillating as all the recent salacious allegations are- and if I even use the word "titillating" I'm taking a chance- I have more important issues at the office Christmas party. I'm trying to find the chicken Francaise at the steam tables. I know it's got to be here somewhere. The food looks pretty good in the low light where you can't analyze things too carefully. Someone mentions that there is a carving station in the corner. I went over there to see for myself, but it was just one of the cafeteria ladies slicing a roast beef. I guess I was expecting something more, like maybe scrimshaw or a totem pole.

      I walk past the sushi table, and I can't imagine sushi at a Christmas party for some reason. My wife recently said that she had a sushi sandwich, which I found fascinating. You could make a sandwich out of anything, I guess. Could you make a pizza sandwich? Could you make a soup sandwich? A salad sandwich? What about a sandwich with another sandwich inside? I finally found the chicken Francaise, and then I had to go to the other side of the studio to get a drink. On the way I wondered if I could make a sandwich out of my chicken Francaise.

      If you hang around the bar long enough, you can get a good idea of what's in store for the rest of the party and from whom. On the other hand, if you hang around the bar long enough your own reputation may suffer. I don't drink a drop during the week, not even a tiny drop, so I start to place bets with myself on who's going to dominate the conversation tomorrow.

     They have a guy who sings old Bobby Darin songs and other stuff from the 50s and 60s, and he was in fine form. He's got a lounge-singer routine with a lot of pointing, clapping, finger snapping and yelling "HEY!" in the middle of a verse if the verse starts to dull up on you. He's got a whole stage rap that revolves around his cousin, who allegedly played with Frankie Valle or something back in the day. The music wasn't overly loud but his jacket was. After 10 or 12 songs that sounded like "Runaround Sue" he turned things over to the DJ, who announced that he had a karaoke machine. 

     People were starting to get a little bolder, and employees who never knew they could sing gave the rest of us the opportunity to never know it also. A gal from Audience Services got up and sang a Salt-N-Pepa song, not too bad. She didn't sound like Salt, and she didn't sound like Pepa, but she did sound like N, I guess. Then a group of about 15 IT workers got up and sang what must have been the Indian version of "Paradise By the Dashboard Light." They were really working it and having a great old time, and I wondered if, a.) the karaoke machine actually knew Hindi, and if, b.) this wouldn't be a great time to hack into the payroll department.

 

     There was a photo booth with a lot of props and costume items available so that you could really dress up a future extortion attempt. These days you have to be careful and take ownership of your own content, including which photos are taken of you. One Halloween I went to three parties dressed as "Miss Universe," with a blue dress (size 16 in case you're wondering- Christmas is coming up), big boobs and a sash and tiara, only I was from another planet in the Universe, not from Earth, so I had antennae and other alien accessories. Everybody took a picture with me. But fast-forwarding ahead, what if I turn out to be the last candidate left to be Trump's Chief of Staff, and these photos come out in the Globe and my political career is ruined because Trump insists that I was not born in the United States or even on Earth? So I didn't take any snapshots in the photo booth with a pirate hat and oversize glasses, although I do need new glasses. 

     I'd like to wish everyone a very Happy Holiday!

YULETIDE RIPTIDE

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY THE SOMERS RECORD (12-20-18)

      Last Friday we went to the taping of NPR's "Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!" radio quiz program at Carnegie Hall. We eventually made it to the show, which was very funny as always. But of course we first had to go see the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. There were so many people around, I just knew it was going to be a madhouse.

     We stop for coffee, and I pour it from their cardboard cup into my plastic travel cup, which I brought with me from home. You're probably thinking, well I couldn't begin to guess what you're thinking, but I hate drinking coffee out of a cardboard or styrofoam cup for some reason. A ceramic mug would be even better, and I like my coffee SO hot that I have to open my mouth during the tongue-burning process and fan cooler air into it before I swallow. Every other day a study comes out that says coffee is the best thing for you, and on the other days a different study says you'll drop dead if you have more than two cups. So I risk third degree burns and possible heart disease before I even get to the artificial sweetener, which probably causes cancer. If it doesn't, they'll have to re-think their packaging. Try fitting "Sweet 'N Low 'N Non-Carcinogenic" onto a 2 3/8-inch packet.

      I wait a few moments to make sure I've survived the coffee, then we proceed towards the tree, enjoying the busy rhythms of the City during this most festive of all seasons. We can't get close enough to Sak's Fifth Avenue to check out the holiday window scenes, so I told my wife to just enjoy some of the other decorative windows on display. For instance, at the Verizon Store, they had a colorful diorama depicting a reindeer with a very good data plan. When we got to 50th Street it was SO crowded in Rockefeller Center you could hardly get near the tree. We should have gone to see it wherever it was before they cut it down, but for some reason it didn't seem important then. We're herded into the designated tree-viewing area by a combination of traffic barriers, crowd-control police and a border collie.

      I saw an unattended knapsack cable-locked to a signpost. I gazed at it suspiciously. What were its intentions? Am I seeing something? Should I be saying something? There were three cops in riot gear ten feet away from it, so I assumed they had seen it, scanned it, sniffed it, Mirandized it and released it. I thought about pouring my cold coffee on it to disable it in case it was a bomb, but if it contained the cops' spare helmets or something, I'd have some explaining to do downtown. By the way, it would be convenient if they had another police station uptown so I could do my explaining a little closer.

      I told my wife to be careful of pickpockets. I don't carry a whole lot of cash around with me, for the good reason that I don't have a lot of cash. So pickpockets, if you're out there, you could pick a better pocket to pick. But I lost my wallet once and it was a big pain in the neck to replace all the stuff I keep in there- as every guy knows, your wallet is like having a small filing cabinet in your pants. It's much more convenient than having a large filing cabinet in your pants, so if somebody makes off with it, I've got to get it back. First, we identify the pickpocket. I yell, "OMIGOD SOMEBODY STOLE MY WALLET!" And then quickly look around- the person who seems unsurprised by this is the thief. Well, it turns out EVERYONE in New York City is unsurprised by this.

     Once we find the guy, we have to reverse-pick his pocket. I'll create a diversion and you get the wallet back. What could be the diversion? I know how to play "Flight of the Bumble Bee" by tapping my cheeks really fast. I don't think it's a diverse enough diversion, but I do it anyway just to show you I can. I'll keep things simple- I'm going to trip over the curb right at the guy and he's going to have to use both hands to catch me, and you snatch the wallet back. Just as I'm getting ready to go, two people trip over the curb, and it throws off my timing. What if he's got more than one wallet in his pocket? Whatever wallet I end up with is likely to have more cash, a better credit limit and nicer wallet-sized photos, so I'm not too worried about it.

      Finally we're close enough to get a selfie. I have long arms, so I take the selfie phone and try to get a picture of us in front of the tree. Every position I hold the phone in presses a different button on the side. First, I've turned the lens around so it's facing the back of a busker in a Santa suit who looks like he might be trying to dodge a stack of warrants with the disguise. Then I launch an app that puts fluffy ears and cat whiskers onto the back of crackhead Santa's head. Next, I hack into the Equifax database by mistake. Meanwhile people are paused politely waiting for us to take the damned selfie. Finally a young girl comes over and grabs the phone. "Give me that, I'm a Millennial." And she snaps three perfect photos without any further ado. Then a fat guy enters the crowd three blocks away, and when the ripple effect reaches us we're forced out onto Sixth Avenue. Just as we're leaving two more people trip over that curb at the pickpocket area, and I wonder if maybe crime really does pay.